I feel like there is too much to say, and I’m too lazy to say it.
I feel like there is too much to say, and I’m too lazy to say it.
I sweltering sun made it impossible to breathe. The day I had refused to face was standing in front of me, waving and smiling at me. It was a quite car ride through the bustling city, windows down, music low. I hummed along anyway, distracting myself, I lit up another cigarette and stole glances to my right as much as I could. I knew the seat would be empty soon, and my stomach continued to roll as we grew closer to our destination. A metal bird would take you away from me soon. There were countless times I wanted to pull over and refuse to continue on. My heart was constantly protesting my mind: logic over emotion. Logic is not my strong suit. My heart dropped when I put the car in park and turned it off. I was afraid to say a single word. My voice cracked every time I tried to peep out something. I kept my mouth shut and tried to absorb as much as I could of our last moments together. The silence was deafening. I couldn’t think of the perfect words to say, I couldn’t think anything but you were leaving. I kept clenching my jaw every time tears threatened to spill over. I knew once they started I wouldn’t be able to control myself any longer. You hugged me one last time. You kissed me one last time. “I’ll be back, okay?” You slipped away from me, shouting something about your hat that you insisted on leaving with me. I couldn’t stand there and watch you walk away, I would have ran after you. Would you have stayed? If I had begged you, crying on my knees, asking you not to leave me; would it have worked? Instead I just sat in my car, engine off, the sun pounding down on me, and I cried. I don’t know how long I sat there bent over my steering wheel. I kept hoping you’d come back to the car; I imagined you deciding to stay regardless of the consequences. I still see you everywhere. I saw at least 7 slug bugs driving home, I found myself listing off the cars maker as they drove by and not knowing if I got it wrong or not. I see you next to me, in the beach chairs by the pool, I reached out like I did the other day, but you weren’t there. I can’t sleep. I’m a ghost of what I was when you were with me. I didn’t think I could be that happy. I was content with being ‘blah’ everyday. No one ever comes back. No matter how much they say ‘I’m not that person’ or that they are different; all the bastards are the same. They don’t come back. They leave and never fucking come back. I need you to come back. Don’t leave me here. I promised I’d be strong, you promised you wouldn’t forget me. Let’s keep our promises. This is it, so we can’t really fuck this up too bad.
For years I’ve been struggling to fill this void inside me. Like a black hole, it took everything and just sucked it in, and ruined a lot of shit. I tried so hard to love other people to fill the empty patch, make it go away or at least feel better. I had convinced myself I was fine, I convinced myself that I could truly love again and I just ignored the problem. Shit just kept getting worse, nothing was going right anymore; then you came along. [How cliché, I know, but it’s fucking true.]
For the first time in 4 years, I don’t think of him and wish that I was his girl once more. For the first time, the hole is gone, the pain is gone: it’s over. Everything I swore that no one else could do, or make me feel, has been topped x9000+.
I hate being trite and I’m trying so hard to get all of this out without making people puke. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that you’ll find love again. I had really given up about a year ago when I went off the deep end. I was just going with the flow when I bumped into someone that changed a whole lot of shit in my life.
I never was one to believe other’s silly love stories, or love songs. I hated them. I hated them because I wanted it so much it made me sick. I guess life can be stupid like that, the moment you decide you don’t give a fuck you are thrown for a loop and in the middle of your wildest dreams.
Now all I have to do is get over this hill. It’s looming above me, miles high and he’s waiting for me at the top. I’ll climb any height just to hold on to you. I know we can do it. I’m usually not one for optimism, actually I never am anymore, but this shit is surreal. It’s perfect.
You said ‘I’ll come back’, I believe you.
Please, come back for me.
“And I’m still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
‘Cause I can’t hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?”
I’ll be back in Avon in a few days. I’m excited, kinda. It’s hard to explain the swarming emotions I get when I go back. I left my life behind there to get better, to find myself and figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my life. Whenever I go back, I’m envious of everyone else that are still there. They are all happy, not a care in the world. I’m sitting miles and miles away each day wondering what I should do. I want so much to just go to IU or something and be normal like everyone; I can’t. It’s hard to explain, but I don’t want to live in Indiana any time soon. I am going wherever the wind carries me, and it honestly seems its shifting northeast: Maine. Why not start over again? At least this time, I won’t be starting over alone. I’ll be happy. I am happy now, it will just be a more explosive giggly happy. Only time will tell. I just fucking pray to jewgod he doesn’t take this away from me. It will kill me.
I have never been so sure about anything in my whole fucking life. There is this gut feeling, fluttering inside its confines, and it’s telling me not to fuck this shit up. It will be hard just to ensure we’ll end up in the same state or town but it’s worth a fucking fight. Now everything I do and everything I work for goes towards a new dream. It’s been a long time coming, we both deserve this.
I’ll fight for you.
My heart tells me you belong,
By me, beside me, we are one.
I’ll be your sunshine in the dark,
Just don’t forget me when you depart.
If this doesn’t work, it’ll kill us both.
The anticipation is building, and I can barely keep still anymore. I’m constantly bouncing around the house trying to keep my hands and my mind occupied.
I love driving. If it can be considered a hobby, it’s one of my favorites. I had to drive across town today, met with my dad and ate some awesome Chinese food. Then to the doctor, who informed me that I was going against strong medical advise my not taking my medicine anymore, so I am taking it again -.-. Oh well, rather be safe than sorry anyway. After that was driving back to Perdido Key, and I got right into the pool. It was hotter than sweaty Jew tits outside.
I clean my car.
*gasp* holy shit I know…
I’m always confused. I can’t ever get a good feel for where people stand with me anymore. Like me? Yes or no. Simple as that, but I can understand the thrill of the chase I guess. Actually it’s really fun playing those stupid games. It’s a breath of fresh air. I guess I confuse people too. Hmm…
Well illusion of love, is better than none.
I think some Naruto is in order. /wave
Despite all the emotions swirling inside me, I am only able to catch one. The brightest light in the bunch, the one my eyes cannot help but follow. Each time I drive my hands into the swirling vortex I always catch it: Love. Every time I see the glowing light in my hands, I’m happy and hope sparks once more. You give me this hope. It’s hopeless for me to suppress this anymore. My brain has refused the notion for so long, but fuck it. I’ll love you with everything I have left. I’ll probably give more than I get but I don’t care anymore. People will curse us, but I will love you. I don’t care to try and make sense of anything anymore. I’ll be happy with my senseless feelings pouring from my chest. Happiness is life’s goal, right? You make me happy. So I’ll stick around. Of course I hope you reciprocate the feelings but I won’t hope too much.
I always care too much, love too much, trust too much; that’s who I am. So I’ll continue to do all these things and wait.
p.s. Fuck you BP.
[Disclaimer: This is a dream I had, also the Sisterhood are ninja’s. It was pretty fucking awesome, so this is a short story, full of magic and odd events that barely make sense to me. Enjoy.]
I was in school, surrounded by the familiar chaos of my French teacher’s classroom. Posters covered almost every surface of the chalk white walls; the white boards the only part of the room without color. After the long buzz of the bell, I heard Mrs. Shaffer call my name, telling me she needed to talk to me. I looked at her, my eyes swimming with confusing. Her hard, cold stare locked with mine and I knew I had done something wrong. What the hell? I thought to myself. As everyone filed out of the room, I shuffled up to her cluttered desk and looked down at her tired, pale face. She presented me with papers, written on them was a statement that I had stolen someone’s things while in her classroom.
I stared disbelieving at her, ‘What is this?’ I asked, my brow furrowing with confusion.
‘You are to accompany me to see one of the vice principals about what happened yesterday,’ she said carelessly.
‘No I’m not. I didn’t do anything, she’s got all this shit wrong. Have you even read this?!’
My anger was rising with each tick of the clock, I could feel my face heating up dangerously. Other 1st year students were piling into the room, listening to the dispute carry on. I agreed to go, and prove I did nothing and stormed out of the room. Once lunchtime came around, the Sisterhood knew what was up and were anxious to get the full version of the story out of me. As we were all sitting there, out blue plastic trays in front of us, full of unhealthy cafeteria food, I began to spill out the details.
Aly looked at me, ‘We need to stomp this bitch!’ she grumbled.
Her hair fell into her eyes as she glared at me. I started to laugh, Kait soon joined in, but Erin was shaking her head in agreement. Her brown tresses bounced around her shoulders, her eyes full of excitement. ‘She has messed with us too many times,’ Erin looked at me, ‘She has tried to kick you out of the program so many times, this ends now.’
‘You can’t be serious…’, my eyes flicking from both of them. I saw nothing but determination and devious little grins on their faces. I looked at Kaitlin, shrugged and asked, ‘Ok, you’re the mastermind Al-Bal, spill it.’
The darkness fell around us, cloaking us as we moved from the car into the wet grass. Under a moonless sky, we approached a large red brick house. The yard was pristine, our clumsy feet ruined the perfect green grass. I smirked, and we pushed on through the long sprawling yard. As we leaned against the right side of the house, we went over the rest of the plan. I saw Aly pull out her small, short sword and nodded to me with the go ahead. I stood in front of the window, I saw a faint reflection of myself. My eyes seemed almost cat-like, chilling and excited. My heart pulsed with the thrill of the hunt. Feeling my friend’s eyes on me, I closed mine and clasped my hands in front of my chest, words began to silently tumble from my lips. The incantation was short, as my lips snapped shut I heard the window’s latch pop. I stood there, holding a hand out to touch the glass. It was cold under my fingertips, and I searched for any sign of movement within the walls. Feeling nothing I held up my hand, signaling for my friends to follow the plan. The window slid up easily and I pounced into the room. I landed into a study, books filled every crevice of the room, it’s warmth wrapped around me. Silently, I crept to the wooden door, I put my hand against its smooth surface and concentrated.
All I could register were soft words from the other side, my eyes widen and I leaped back as the door exploded inwards. I shard of the wood had embedded itself in my chest. ‘Bitch!’ I yelled, and angrily tore the piece from my chest. Ignoring the pain, focus set on revenge, I pulled the sword from my back and sprang towards my prey. I heard my comrades coming in to assist, ‘Dani, no!’ I heard one of them yell, jolting me out of my rage fueled attack. I quickly stopped and joined them on the other side of the room knowing that I had lost all control when I received the wound to my chest. ‘Ouch,’ I finally said, looking down at the wound. I gripped my chest, warm liquid began to seep through my clenched hands. My shirt was fast becoming soaked with my blood. I could feel my heart pounding behind the injured flesh, I clenched my teeth as the pain spread through my body. Dammit! I yelled at myself. If I hadn’t moved back, the bitch would have gotten a lung.
The battle was easy, she was outnumbered. Her ambush had one purpose, and it worked. I was injured and badly. The wound was deep and I was losing an ample amount of blood. The dark liquid was making me sick. I saw Erin deal the final blow, the diversion worked but not as I had planned. Her dagger slid into the woman’s chest and she crumpled to the ground. Aly was already at my side, assessing the damage. She unhinged my hand from my chest, I shooed her away, ‘It’s nothing, I’m fine just need to get to a hospital and have it sewn up,’ I weakly stated. I started to stand, the blood loss made my head spin and my world went black.
I awoke in the car, my head on Erin’s lap, and a make-shift bandage covering the nice sized slice in my chest; we were good at forgetting to bring our medical kits with us. I saw lights flashing past us, the familiar smell of the car soothed me. I heard anxious chattering about what to do with me.
‘We can’t just waltz in there and expect them not to be suspicious!’ Kaitlin yelled, ‘We don’t need the Force on our ass about this shit!’
‘She was training, we all were, I can have people confirm the story. We are all weak and it is obvious to any superior that we have battled,’ Erin said smoothly, pushing the hair out of my pallid face, ‘I did a sweep of the grounds, the house holds no evidence that we were there, I repaired the ground with the Rewind Effect, no one will be able to prove anything.’
‘My mom will confirm it, as well as fellow members, you know they got our backs,’ Aly confirmed. Kaitlin was already dialing numbers getting everyone in the loop. We had everyone meet at our usual training grounds and begin to make scenes of the battle we claimed happened there. Shelly was waiting at the hospital for us, mainly out of her motherly concern for me, but also to back up the story. The Force would be involved in an hour or so, we were ready.
‘Awe, baby are you okay?!’ I heard her shouts from across the lot. My eyes were closed, I was drifting in and out of consciousness, each moment that passed I lost more blood. I was so weak; even in my feeble condition her concern brought a smile to my face. She had become a mother to me in so many ways. ‘I’m fine,’ came out a groggy mumble. I heard a small gasp and felt hands lifting the makeshift bandage. I winced as the pain shocked me out of my helpless stupor. ‘Fuck!’ I yelled.
‘They might question why one of you didn’t have a med pack with you,’ Shelly stated, ‘What were you guys thinking!?’
‘When do we ever carry that shit with us?’ I heard Aly’s exhausted reply to my left, she had one of my arms around her shoulder. I helplessly tried to move my feet, being a burden was not something I took lightly. I could sense how tired they were, anger welled up inside me making my chest clench and another burst of pain shook through me.
‘It’s only extra weight that gets in the way, even through school we ‘lost’ them and were able to fight without it. It’s not like you can just tell your opponent to wait while you patch up your wounds.’ I could heard the grimace in her voice; she’s always hated the rules, a true rebel at heart.
‘Not now Aly,’ Erin whispered, ‘They are already watching us.’
‘Dammit,’ Aly scoffed, ‘Let’s get her inside and fixed before we worry about those ass wipes.’
The smell of antiseptic hit my sensitive nose like a wall of bricks. I coughed, the pain resurfacing, ‘Ugh, let’s get this over with, I hate it here already,’ I groaned miserably. As the doctors scrambled over to take the bloody mess off their hands I could feel the walls of the wound reopening as they shifted me from person to person, and then to a flat bed. As they began to peel back the layers covering the sickening wound, the pain and loss of blood finally allowed me to become unconscious and unfeeling. Finally, I could rest. The following weeks are not going to be easy, I thought, as I drifted into the sweet world of dreams.
[A/N: Might create a nice story arch to this, might not. I like this so far though. I’ll add more in a little while.]
Even though I was physically alone last night, I didn’t feel so bad. I was talking to wonderful people who always make me laugh and feel good. I was also actually opening up about shit and it didn’t hurt. :) I even made a new friend in the process. My guard is down and I’m just going to play this by ear. You contact me if you want to talk to me, I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting shit on. Not cool.
So let’s do it, lets dance through the unknown. Let’s sweep through the darkness, swift and mischievous. I’ve done this dangerous dance before, the thrill, crossing each other’s paths. You’re so close, I can almost feel you breathing. Our eyes lock for an instant, excitement pulses through me. The line, infamously sketched on the soggy ground, is begging me to cross. I’ll run and jump for you, free fall until you catch me. It’s a risky gamble, and just for you, love; I’ll fly.
To laugh at you..bahahahhahhaahahahahah *breathes* hahahahahah. Now you know how it feels, bitch. You’re probably thinking it’s the end of the world, and boy does that shit hurt. I hope you choke on the dirt you’re face first in.
To thank my dad, my mom and my wonderful friends who still love me and accept me through and through.
Thank you to the jap japs for Naruto, Inuyasha (and every other amazing anime) and cosplay. Also a mass amount of video games that make my life complete. Also, pocky *angels singing*
Thank you Ghost Hunters for making me shit my pants and jump at every small noise I hear.
I’d also love to recognize that no matter how much I tell myself I’d rather be alone, doing my own thing and shit, that I HATE IT. Even if it is a tiny ounce of social interaction, I will now appreciate every second of it.
I can’t wait to start school.
I can’t wait until Lucy learns my hands are not toys. X.X