Unimportant Information.

Off on another adventure. This will be a life changing one. I’m actually flying instead of driving my sad broken car :(. I love that beast, its mah behbeh. Haven’t been on a plane in a while. It will be cold, and boring. Le sigh…

After this week I’ll have one of my answers. The other answer I’m waiting on might be a while longer, and it’s going to drive me insane. :l HURRY UP. I’m impatient motha licka!

Anyone have any anime suggestions? I need a new one to pine over. I’ve watched Inuyasha, Naruto, Furuba, Wolf’s Rain, shit.. I’ve seen little pieces of others but I couldn’t get into them. Idk I need something awesome. Right. Meow.

<3

I’ve been blogging since I was 15. It’s so funny to see people have an issue with a simple camera, and I’ve been diving deeper and deeper into the technological world since I was a little tot. I also started playing WoW when I was 15. It’s fucking crazy that all that time has passed me by; depressing thought actually.

Writing is a release, and escape route for pent up emotions of an ever-changing teenager. I won’t be a teen next year. My baby sister will be 18 soon, and I’ll be 20, my baby brother 3. Holy shit, where the fuck is time going?

At least if I died tomorrow I’ll know I’ve loved, lost, explored, and lived as much as possible for one my age. I’ve been cross country on adventures. Meeting people, making friendships, making memories I cherish and some that I loathe. I’ve seen mountains, I’ve seen oceans, I’ve seen the country. Now it’s time to see the world. It’s time for me to take the next step in my life. I’m grown up. Pretty soon, when financially ready, I’ll be on my own. Hopefully I won’t be alone on that adventure. I’m sure my lover and my best friends will be at my side.

I’m going through metamorphosis. My wings are sticky and wet. It is only a matter of time before they will shine in all their beauty, and I’ll be free. 

Is it too much to ask you fly with me?
Is it too much for you to take my hand and trust me?

We will fall into a sweet oblivion,
we will live on.
Our threads of fate shinning,
golden and intertwining.

Opposites attract, I know
but we’re a site to behold.
so similar and stubborn,
but through love we’re reborn.

My golden wings, ready for flight,
yours black as a moonless night.
Take my hand, my love
We’ll soon soar, way above

I’ll take you higher,
prove that I was not a liar.
I promised we’d be here sometime,
and look at us, baby, as we climb.

I’m in an odd mood.
Worried about my mom’s surgery and biopsy. Worried about him. Worried about school. Somehow, I’m okay though. I’ll be there holding her hand.

And one day you’ll be here holding mine.
fin. 

I don’t know why that hurts me. The unknown is killing me.
Maybe I need to just let go. Drift on. This emotional torment is killing me.
You are hurting me. 
Maybe those days are ones I need to cherish, because I don’t know if I’ll get you back.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with all of this. I’m buckling under the pressure of my mom being sick, my boyfriend MIA, schools starting.

I have no emotional rock. I am alone and I give up. 

Eyes become shrouded by dark,
seizing your very being.
No matter the attitude
or the person.

No matter how positive,
evil acts on its own.
Unnatural and swift,
your mind is taken.

Victim to its tricks,
weaknesses abused
fears enhanced like a winter wildfire,
torment within your very being.

Battles insume,
order is restored for the strong.
For the feeble,
it’s only just begun.

Optimists assume the best
one stumble on the road
it’s nothing,
everything great.

Liars. Pessimists see the worst.
Prey for depression,
easy targets,
easy victory over those who’ve already given up.

To say: ‘stop being negitive’
is saying: ‘STFU IDK’
Walk a mile in my shit, bitch,
tell me what your beautiful eyes see.

Do you see him,
beautiful and resilient in the darkness.
The deep recesses of your mind,
that’s all you got left. 

Each touch is your last,
for everything crumbles
your pale fingers of death,
they break it all.

So when your world falls,
when the abyss is your fate.
Look me in the eyes and say:
‘I know your pain.’ 

Idk wtf that is. But there. BYE.

If only the stroke of a brush could depict the blanket of pink clouds covering the sky when the sun is setting. I wish I could make it capture the moment I wake up and see you laying next to me. I wish I could paint the rolling country as I drive to new lands. I want to paint the smoke rolling off my cigarette in the summer breeze. I wish I could paint the sky from under the surface of my pool. I wish I could paint the squeeze and pull of my heart when you are by my side. If only I could capture the ache I feel when I have to leave everyone behind: the deep rolling blues, the aching black pit in my heart.

One day I’ll do these things, paint such vivid, wild emotions onto a canvas. A painting that someone would stop and say ‘Wow!’ to. For now, though, I’ll splash some color on a board and work with what I got.

So hard to write when your mind is so closed off to the world around you. My mind is protecting itself. It won’t let me cry or think about all the shit that’s been going on. I so desperately yearn for release, but I won’t get it anytime soon. Also, my phone is still broken.

Being your own person in a relationship is easier said than done. In order to mesh with the other you must know who you are so you don’t get lost in it all. There is a fine line between independence and dependence. There is this balance between being you, and being happy by yourself, and depending on the other person for happiness. Going through a relationship where I was so swept off my feet by love and being naive to the world around me, I have another chance to redeem myself. I was the typical love sick girl, clinging so tightly, never wanting to let go. This is one reason, I believe that first love never lasts. You need practice. You need to grow up and find yourself. Finding the strength to be happy on your own takes a lot of work and time. It hurts. With pain and loss comes new life and happiness, though. It will all be worth it in the end. So no matter how busy you are, no matter the time and space between us, I will find the balance. I’ll make it on my own without you until the fates tie our strings together. This will all work out. Even with my new found optimism, your pessimistic view on everything makes it so difficult to be strong and be happy. Everything is perfect when we are together, but when we are apart everything goes to shit. I have to fight through the dark to reach you, my light. 

Still haunting me, in the back of my mind, is my mom. She could have cancer. We won’t know for another week or more, and it’s driving me insane. 

I’m glad this horrid week is coming to a close. I’ve lost, loved, made new friends. I’ve done so much and so little. I’m a walking contradiction.

If something else goes wrong I’m jumping off the house.

I drove to Maine to see Logan and it was awesome, minus the calls I kept getting. Every call was a new problem. Grandma Rogers died. Mom was in the hospital. Mom has a tumor. The drive home was one of the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. 18 hours of just thinking of all the shit that is wrong. I had to leave Logan behind. I had only 3 hours of sleep before the funeral. My car is about to shit the bed. My phone broke. Some one punched out my sister’s back window. Aaron’s car won’t start. The funeral was so fucking sad. Logan got into an accident. I have to drive back to Florida tomorrow and then go to orientation at 7 am on Monday and stay on campus until Tuesday night. My mom goes in for surgery on the 15th or the 16th and I want to be here so bad for it. If she has cancer I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

Someone please kill me. I’m about to have a hard core melt down and no one will be there to break my impending fall. I’m scared. There are a million things going wrong right now. I’m just waiting for one more thing before I snap and tumble off the deep end again.

FUCK.